


Hange's Sex

by Gingersaurus



Series: The Mysteries of Hange Zoe [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 17:59:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10724361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gingersaurus/pseuds/Gingersaurus
Summary: Eren, Levi, and Mikasa try to discover Hange's sex.





	Hange's Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Looking to add more stories to the Mysteries of Hange Zoe series. Open to suggestions!

“It’s not true,” Mikasa said. “I won’t believe it.”

“Doesn’t matter if you believe it,” Levi said, taking a sip of tea. “It’s still true.”

“I’m sorry, Mikasa.” Eren tried to avoid his sister’s eyes while he apologized. “I should have trusted you enough to tell you…”

Mikasa stammered, “That you and he… You and the Corporal…”

“Are fucking,” Levi said.

“Levi!” Eren scolded before returning his attention to his sister. She was now enraged and snarling at the Corporal. “I’m sorry, Mikasa. We were worried that if we told anyone Levi and I would be separated. They might have used it as an excuse to hand me over to the Military Police. But now that Hange is telling the whole Corps… I wanted you to hear it from me first.”

Mikasa buried her face in her scarf. “Well, I guess it’s alright. As long as you aren’t doing anything weird.”

“No, nothing like that!” Eren assured her.

“He puts his face in my ass sometimes. That’s about as weird as it gets,” Levi said.

“Levi!” Eren protested.

“Oh, c’mon, Eren, you enjoy it!” Levi said.

Mikasa turned as red as her scarf. “T-that’s nothing,” she stuttered. “I have kinky sex with my comrades, too!”

“What? With who?” Eren asked.

“Armin,” Mikasa replied after a moment’s thought. “Sometimes they even put their penis in my vagina.”

“Armin has a penis? I thought Armin had a vagina?” Eren said.

“That’s what I meant,” Mikasa said. “They put their vagina in my vagina.”

Eren was about to comment when Levi interrupted. “That’s not how sex works, dumbass. If you were going to lie about hooking up with someone you should have picked someone whose junk you’ve actually seen.”

“How would you know that’s not how sex works? Have you ever tried it?” Mikasa growled. She turned back to Eren with concern. “So, what’s going to happen? Are they going to take you away from me?”

“No,” Eren said. “Commander Erwin decided that it was best for Levi and me to stay together, since Levi is the only soldier who could control me if I went on a rampage as a titan.”

“That’s not true!” Mikasa said. “I could control you. You don’t need tiny around. They could post him somewhere else. He’s taking advantage of his power over you. He should be punished!”

“Oh, really?” Levi said. “You think you could kill Eren if you had to?”

“I would stop him without killing him!” Mikasa insisted.

“Um… you guys…” Eren said.

“Damn, what a mess. I can’t even walk through headquarters anymore without hearing someone giggle,” Levi cursed. “Fucking four eyes couldn’t mind their own business. If they had someone to keep them occupied none of this would have happened.”

“I guess that’s true, I’ve never heard of Hange taking an interest in anyone, actually,” Eren said.

“That’s because no one wants to take an interest in them,” said Levi. “They’re too weird. And no one even knows what sex they are. Can you imagine having a relationship with someone and be constantly wondering about that?”

“I supposed… But Armin is the same way, aren’t they?” Eren said.

“Like I said, Armin and I—“ Mikasa began.

“Shut up,” Levi ordered. “Armin’s different. They at least have a decent personality. People can see past the fact that they’re a bit androgynous. Hange is just a freak.” He drank the final gulp of his tea. “If we want Hange to stop causing trouble, we’re going to have to figure out how to get them involved with someone. And the best way to do that is to figure out what genitals they have.”

“Levi, you can’t be serious?” Eren said.

“When am I not serious?” Levi responded.

“I’m grateful to the Captain,” Mikasa said. “If it wasn’t for them, how would I know to search every inch of Eren’s body for signs of sex related injuries on a regular basis?”

“Mikasa, you really don’t have to—“ Eren began. Mikasa glared at him. “I, uh, I appreciate it.”

“Enough of this. We have to come up with a plan before four eyes terrorizes the whole base,” Levi declared.

“Are you really that embarrassed about people knowing about us?” Eren muttered.

“What?” Levi demanded.

“Nothing!” Eren said.

“If you’ve got time to gossip you’ve got time to come up with a plan,” the Corporal ordered. “You too, Mikasa. Eren’s pride is at stake here.”

“What do you mean?” Mikasa asked. “If everyone already knows what’s happening between you two, then what can we save of Eren’s pride?”

“No, he’s right,” Eren said. “If Hange tells the others about everything they saw…”

“Hmm? What do you mean?” Mikasa asked. “What did Hange see, Eren? What did the small fry do to you? Eren. Tell me! Eren! Did he put his penis in your penis?”

“What?” Eren said as he backed away from Mikasa’s advancing stares. “No, Mikasa, that’s not how sex works!”

“But… Then where does it go?” Mikasa wondered.

“Wow, how about we talk about something else now?” Eren said. “Look at the sun shining! What a great day to figure out what’s in Captain Hange’s pants.”

The three of them decided that the best course of action was to catch Hange in the showers. But first they had to find out where Hange showered. No one had ever seen them in the men’s shower, or the women’s shower either.

“Maybe they’re like Armin and go too early in the morning to run into anyone,” Eren suggested. There was no chance that it was a case of Hange never showering. Levi would have smelled the dirt off the Captain from the other side of headquarters.

“We’ll search the base from top to bottom, starting at dawn tomorrow,” said Levi. “We won’t stop until breakfast. Wherever Hange is hiding a shower in this place, we’ll find it.”

The next day before dawn Levi kicked Eren’s door down with Mikasa behind him. “Get up, kid,” he ordered. “We’ve got work to do.”

Eren groaned. Before he could roll over in protest and go back to sleep, both of humanity’s two strongest soldiers seized him and threw him on the floor. “Wah! Hey, c’mon, I’m not even wearing pants!”

“Eren,” Mikasa said. “I’ve bathed with you.”

“And I’ve had your dick in my—“ Levi went to join in but was interrupted by Eren.

“Alright, alright, I’m getting up!” Eren pulled on his clothes.

Once Eren was dressed they split up and searched the headquarters.

There was no one in sight except Armin, who walked from their room to the bathroom and back, fully clothed, dry one way and wet the other. No one had a chance to see which showers they entered. But that was unimportant.

Mikasa checked each of the showers several times. Each time she heard a shower running she would unapologetically pull back the curtain. Most wrote this off as just another Survey Corps quirk. Jean, who was notably not quirky, was much more distressed, and insisted on explaining his nudity to Mikasa.

“It’s alright,” Mikasa said. “Most people shower naked.”

She went to walk away. Jean breathed a sigh of relief and drew the shower curtain. Then Mikasa came back and swung it open again.

“By the way,” she said. “Where do you put your penis during sex if there’s no vagina?”

“Huh?” Jean said.

Elsewhere in the headquarters, Eren and Levi also searched. But it was too late. Breakfast was approaching fast. The men were waiting outside by the stables to meet Mikasa. She was taking a while. Eren was beginning to wonder if she had found something.

“Should we go find her?” Eren asked.

“Eren!” Mikasa shouted suddenly from the window above them. “Eren, is it true? The penis goes in the b— “

“Mikasa, did you find them?” Eren yelled as loud as he could.

“You can also put it in the mouth,” Levi called up to her.

Mikasa’s eyes went wide. “What? That counts?”

“Levi, what the hell? Mikasa! Did you find Han—“

Eren froze at the sound of cheerful whistling. He and the others turned to see Hange skipping around to the back of the headquarters. With not a moment to lose, the three of them ran after Hange, Mikasa leaping to the ground from the window.

“Keep your distance,” Levi said. “We can’t let them see us until the last possible moment.”

They followed the sound of whistling. It got louder as the wove through the trees and leapt over bushes. Levi spotted a clearing up ahead. “Be careful,” he called back to the others. Mikasa stopped herself next to Levi right at the treeline. Eren, however, had much less control of his body. He crashed into the two in front of him, forcing them all into the open.

“Huh? Oh, Levi! Eren! Mikasa!” Hange waved to the three of them as they emerged from the trees. “Doing morning exercises, I see.”

“Yup, that’s exactly what we’re doing,” Eren agreed nervously.

While Levi and Mikasa looked at their surrounding in frustration, Eren stared straight at Hange. Their head floated chin deep in the lake, covered in suds. They ducked under the surface and re-entered the air with clean hair.

“Hange,” Eren called. “Would you like me to bring you your towel?”

“Give it up, Eren. We’ve lost,” Levi grumbled.

“Oh, that would be nice, Eren, thank you!” Hange pointed at the towel they kept on the bank beside them.

Eren walked towards the bank and slyly kicked Hange’s towel into the lake while he was leaning down to pick it up. “Oh, no,” he said. “Captain Hange, what’ll you do? You can’t get dressed while still wet, and you can’t dry off without a towel. Guess you’ll have to—huh?” Eren, who had thought he was keeping an eye on Hange, soon noticed that the Captain was out of his line of vision. He looked around desperately, then spun back to his companions. “Did you see them?” he asked. Levi and Mikasa both shook their heads.

“See who?” Hange asked. They came striding out from amongst a patch of trees on the other bank, fully clothed and drying their hair. “You shouldn’t go kicking people’s towels into lakes, Eren. Luckily, I keep a spare over there.”

“Yeah,” Eren said. “Good thing.”

In the mess hall, Levi, Eren, and Mikasa sat with their heads together.

“What do we do now?” Eren said. “Hange is surely onto us. Do we abort the mission?”

“Never,” Mikasa said with determination. “We can’t let the Survey Corps find out you put your penis in the Corporal’s butt. We have to act now.”

“Actually,” Levi said. “Eren takes it in the—“

“Why don’t we come up with another plan?” Eren said urgently.

Levi sighed. “We may have been approaching this wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Mikasa asked.

“What if, instead of finding out what Hange’s genitals are so that someone can seduce them, we have someone seduce them so we can find out what Hange’s genitals are?” Levi said.

“But, Corporal,” Eren said, “isn’t that missing the point?”

“Eren, you’re the one always talking about freedom. About how seeing the world beyond the walls would make you the freest person in the world. Can’t the same be said for knowledge? That the person who knows the most about the world is the freest to do what they want?” Levi said while making intense eye contact with Eren.

Eren stared back into the Corporal’s eyes. He thought about the potential that pursuing knowledge could bring a human being. He thought about freedom. He thought about how beautiful Levi’s grey eyes were. He thought about how Levi could see into his soul like no one else could. He thought about—

“Should I leave you two alone?” Mikasa said with displeasure.

“What? Oh, sorry,” Eren said as he shook himself back to reality. “You’re right, Corporal. We have to go through with this. But what are you suggesting? Captain Hange is so distractible. Who has the energy to be able to occupy the Captain’s attention long enough to get their clothes off?”

The three of them tried to discuss possibilities, but none could focus. The rattling sounds of spoon meeting bowl as baked beans were devoured was too distracting.

“Hey, Sasha, would you mind…?” Eren trailed off as he and the others looked over at the brown-haired cadet. There was a bean stuck to her chin. She stared back.

“Sasha,” Levi said. “What is your schedule like for tonight?”

Sasha swallowed her mouthful of beans. “Cleaning the stables, sir,” she replied.

“Hmm. That’s an important job,” said Levi. “But not important enough. Sasha, I’m giving you a new task for the evening. Eren will clean the stables in your place.”

“Wait, what?” Eren protested.

“Should you succeed in this task,” Levi continued, “you will be rewarded with steak dinners for a week.”

Sasha’s face glowed. She leapt from her place on the bench and stood saluting the Corporal with a spoon in her hand and drool running down her face. “Awaiting your orders, sir!”

Eren grumbled as he cleaned the stables that night. The smell of horse shit embedded itself in his clothes. Eren would have to shower and do laundry over and over before the Corporal would be willing to be in the same room, let alone the same bed, as him again.

“Eren!” Levi shouted as he sprinted across the courtyard towards the stables.

“Corporal?” Eren was surprised at the sight of him.

“Eren, come quickly! Drop everything you’re doing and get inside.” Levi motioned for Eren to follow him as he turned around and re-entered headquarters.

They walked for a few moments in silence. “Corporal Levi?” Eren said. “What’s going on?”

“Shh,” said the Corporal. “Quiet down.”

They turned down the hall. Eren saw Mikasa leaning with her ear against a door. She waved the two men towards her. Once they were outside the door, Levi indicated that Eren should listen.

“Are you excited, Sasha?” Hange said enthusiastically.

“Y-yes, so excited,” Sasha replied.

“Come, sit,” Hange said. There was a creak of a bedframe. “I have something to show you. This will be a night you’ll never forget!”

Eren pumped his fist from the other side of the door. The three comrades, confident that their plan was going to work, wandered down the hall until they felt it was safe to discuss their progress.

“That’s amazing of Sasha, I can’t believe she did it!” Eren exclaimed.

Mikasa and Levi nodded in quiet approval.

“We meet outside Sasha’s room before dawn,” Levi instructed.

“Not earlier?” Mikasa asked.

“Not earlier. Hopefully, Hange will get some fun out of this,” Eren said.

“What kind of fun would that be, Eren? The kind where Sasha gets a penis or a vagina or something in her butt?” Mikasa said.

“Mikasa, you really don’t understand this stuff, do you?” Eren said.

“Maybe I would if my parents hadn’t been murdered while trying to explain to me where babies come from, Eren!” Mikasa snapped.

“Right, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Eren said.

After Mikasa quickly forgave him, Eren headed to the basement for the night. He was stopped by Levi who ordered him to finish in the stables. Mikasa and Levi went to their respective rooms while Eren shovelled manure into a cart.

They met again outside of Sasha’s room just before dawn.

“Did you check and see if she was already back?” Mikasa asked.

Levi nodded. “Her roommate hasn’t seen her.”

“I wonder when she’ll get back?” Eren pondered.

“Sooner than you might expect,” Levi said, motioning down the hallway. They could hear footsteps.

Sasha came forth from the shadows. First were her feet, which were shaky and soft. Then her legs, which were limping. Her hips were next, which swayed with a certain stiffness to them.

Eren looked at Levi and Mikasa and smiled. But his comrades’ expressions were still grim. Eren looked back.

By this time, he could see Sasha’s face. There was a noticeable absence of any kind of glow. In fact, it looked like all the light had left her body.

Sasha stumbled forward, reaching her arms out to be caught by one of her friends. They let her fall to the floor with a thud without moving to catch her. She whimpered. “I failed,” she sobbed into the hard wood.

“But how?” Eren asked. “It sounded like you and her were going to do it. Don’t tell me… Did Hange fuck you with their clothes on?”

“No!” Sasha cried. “Worse!” Tears streamed down her face. “They told me their theories about titan physiology!”

“All night?” Mikasa asked.

“All night!” Sasha wailed. “I had to sit up that whole time so it didn’t look like I was being rude and now my bum hurts! And I’m not even going to get any steak!”

“I can sneak you some from the Commander’s rations,” Levi said as he began to walk briskly in the direction from which Sasha came.

“Really?” Sasha beamed.

“Levi, what are you doing?” Eren called after him.

“I’m going to settle this once and for all,” said Levi.

Mikasa ran after Levi. Sasha had grabbed onto Eren’s leg to try and climb it so she could stand again. But Eren shook her off and followed Mikasa and Levi, leaving Sasha dumbfounded in the corridor.

“Corporal,” Eren called. “Where are you going?” He followed as Levi and Mikasa rounded a corner, and stopped to stand outside Hange’s room. Levi was raising his hand to the doorknob.

“Levi, no! We need a plan first.”

“That’s enough, Eren. This ends now!” He swung the door open. “Hange, you piece of shit!” He did not enter the room.

Mikasa and Eren came to stand behind his back.

Hange was not there.

Commander Erwin was sitting on the window sill.

“Levi. Eren. Mikasa,” he said in greeting.

Mikasa and Eren saluted the Commander. Levi leaned against the doorframe lazily.

“I trust you understand why I am confronting you like this.”

“Explain it to me like I don’t,” said Levi.

Erwin rose to his feet. “I’m here to order you to stop trying to learn about Captain Hange’s genitals. That information is strictly classified.”

“Classified information about Hange’s genitals…” Eren repeated. “Wait! Don’t tell me! Hange’s a titan?!”

“No,” Erwin said. “We just decided to make all information about Hange’s sex classified when they joined the Survey Corps. There were some incidents that occurred during their training days that we wanted to avoid repeating.” Erwin’s eyes narrowed. “Incidents like cadets trying to invade a senior officer’s privacy.”

Eren shook. He and Mikasa saluted more earnestly. “Understood, Commander! Please forgive us!” he said.

“Under my authority,” Erwin began again, “all discussion of Levi and Eren engaging in BDSM activities is also forbidden, so you won’t have to worry about your comrades finding out about that.”

“Wait, Commander,” Mikasa said, “what’s BDSM?”

Eren went white as a sheet.

Erwin smirked.

Levi left the room.

Mikasa raised an eyebrow.

The Commander opened his mouth to answer.

Eren flailed his hands in protest and shouted, “Commander, no!”


End file.
